its nice to be someones guardian angel

a couple of weeks ago i met a soul in need of someone or something, i am unsure at the time what exactly it was, but regardless this person called out to me. i simply answered. i simply opened myself up to this person and listened to them as they yo yoed up and down the twisted string of life. this soul was hurting, hurting much like i had done only a few months earlier. i could feel the same pain, i could feel the same ache and i could feel the same hurt that i had had only a short time before.

i had a friend, a true friend pull me out of this funk, tell me what i needed to hear and let me know that i was the number one person in my life. it was only right that i pay it forward. that i give the same advise that was given to me. that i hold out the same hand to help them off the ground and to give the same shoulder and allow the tears to flow.

this man had so much hurt from the people that shouldnt hurt at all, that shouldnt put you through pain. he needed a way out. we have talked for the last couple of weeks sharing things and getting very close. me thinking that perhaps he could be mine but then it happened. the other day i told him to pack up, that he needed to get out of the house of hatred and lies, that he needed a 'spa' weekend. i picked him up in victimville, took him to santa ana to get his son and then i met her. what an angel and a devil all at the same time and for reasons that only another girl can ever comprehend.

regardless i realized something, that this man needed this angel. on the drive from santa ana to my house we talked, we shared and i told him he was already half way there. with all his belongings already in my car he could just call her and make the next step. someone needed to push him because they were meant for each other, they already had a son, it was so easy.

now the rest is history and he is back where he belongs and now i know how it feels to be someone guardian angel

i think i found perfection

do you ever think wow. i mean wow. do you ever meet someone and have such an instant connection that you dont think your life will ever be right again if that person were to leave it.... and at the same time think that it couldnt be any better than it is now.

through random circumstances i think i have found perfection. a heart in the same shape as mine but not. a soul in the same shape as mine but slightly different. the connection we have right now is so strong that it is causing constant thought on both ends. the phrases that we say to each other are way to early but yet said with confidence, care and truth.

the whole thing is like a hollywood romantic comedy. a really good one, that the two people connect and you think cheese. they fall in love and you think it couldnt happen like that. they commit to each other and you think it doesnt really work that way. they spend eternity in one night and you wish it would or could happen to you.

it is starting out that like that and i am loving each step. the conflict between the heart and the mind. which is an ever struggle to all anyways. it is baby stepping and a child running with scissors all at the same time. I never would have thought it. i never would have believed it but i think i found perfection

how to cope when you feel lost

today was a weird day. that is the easiest way to describe today, weird.

yesterday was a good day, even with him unhappy and sick, yesterday was a good day. a day where i made homemade banana nut bread, got a window fixed, had a great nap and took my time to smile. yesterday was a good day, when i saw him, he asked if i missed him and i said yes. when as we were getting to his car he gave me the sweetest kiss and looked into my eyes. a day where a nice dinner and a little conversation made me smile and not feel so lonely. yesterday was a good day and it ended in a good way with shivers and tingles. yesterday was a good day.

today was weird. at about nine this morning, i expected him to show up. he made a promise and he was supposed to be here. we were supposed to do all the things that i am bound to do with him. still bound because i have to be not because i want to be. he isnt the same person anymore. we have both changed and as a couple we pulled away from each other. today was weird.

i have two males in my life right now.

a new man that i can tell the truth to. its not the whole truth because we havent swapped life stories, but that comes with time. no one wants to know the whole story anyways but we share as any new relationship goes. like a flower on its journey to from a bud to a bloom, each petal opening when the warm light shines on it. when the water rushes from it roots to the veins of its inner being. as the two combine then the life, the essence is given to the plant. that photo thingy that creates life in the flower allows it to bloom and flourish. each petal a true magnificent miracle. if you dont think it is the perfect analogy for a new relationship, then please send me a note but that is the way i see it. he is a lot of silly things that i want. his eyes and his hair, his rugged features, his strength, his care, his gentility, his genuineness, his truth and his thinking. even though he is much younger. even though i am not sure, i am okay with spending more time getting to know him and being with him. i have been looking for one with certain attributes and qualities which he has. as long as we continue down this path, i feel that we can be okay. i dont want to jinx anything. i have done that in the past, put too much thought into things and come out perplexed, frustrated and unhappy. i am okay with letting the chips fall where they may and the grains of sand pass through the hourglass without shaking it to make them flow faster. he was my yesterday and my yesterday was good.

there is another man in my life. one i can no longer trust. one that i can no longer look at with the innocence that i once had. one that betrayed our relationship by kissing another woman. the one rule i stood fast on as the kiss is the passion of a relationship. he didnt understand that him kissing her was so much worse than anything else he could do to me. he still doesnt because 'it was only kissing and hugging, i didnt fuck her'. the statement still chimes through my head and when i look at him it is with disgust these days. he was the one that was supposed to be here today, we had things to take care of. we had things that we had to do.

and so today was weird. i got up late because i went to bed late. i climbed into my chair and opened the computer to check email. my roommate came in and asked me to come chill with him and the kids for the morning. it was fun, picking them up, heading through wal-mart with a quick trip to see the fish, the toys and the movies. off to lunch and then home for a quick change and the park with bubbles and kite flying. more time with the kids.

i enjoy spending time with the kids and with D. it was the life that i wanted. a family and watching the kids run around and have fun. simplicity is key and D and i have fun. a little sun and some fresh air and then drama. because he wasnt there when we got home like he was supposed to be. a simple text wondering where he was. we were trying to plan the evening, continuing the time with the kids, aidan had gotten stars and we were going to go to see the giant rat and his cheese. all i asked was where he was and it was as if i started a fire. it was simple to answer the question but then there was this drama.

the drama that caused me to cry under my glasses. the things that he said and the hurt in his words. i dont understand him. i thought we were done but then i get this. i dont know him anymore. he still flaunts her in my face and yet he still cares. talk about two different things. talk about two different ideas. i dont know what to think anymore, i dont know if he does or he doesnt because he puts priority on the dumbest things. the dumbest things.

tomorrow all could be lost but love remains. if the world blew up and there wasnt cell phones and television and cars and debt there would still be love. love and trust is the most important things to me. when you get to the point of telling someone that you love them, then you put blinders on. the only person in your sights is that person, yes its old fashioned but then so am i.

i was taught to take care of my man. i was taught that the woman knows how to cook and how to love and she gets the slippers at the end of the night. i know it is anti-feminist but then it is old fashioned and sometimes i return to that way of thinking. it has worked for my grandparents and they just hit seventy-five years together. seventy-five years, i dont even think they have a metal for that. that mixed with a little bit of my mother makes me me. it makes me want to find someone that will take care of me the way i take care of others. someone that really cares but then maybe not. maybe its easier to take what i want and get out before it gets too complicated, like so many other girls do.

well i cant be one of those girls. i cant have people in my life that i care about and not give them everything that they need. its just that simple, like making promises and keeping them. but when you feel lost, you feel like everything is different. not weird, not bad nor good, just different. how does one cope? well this one goes to visit the people that she knows care about her, that she knows will always be there. those are family and when i feel lost i cope by visiting them.

you take stock, listen to your livestock so to say. you get with people that look in your eyes and know when you are miserable, not just look at the fake smile on your face. so i will pack up my clothes and my computer, some chick flicks and my camera and i will get away for a little while. I will spend time with my family and my adopted family. I will allow my feeling of being lost to come through and actually be real for a little while. whether i cry or i laugh or i just give in. i will find solace in my family and cope while i feel lost.

thinking i was okay and instead i am on the floor in a million pieces

how come something so simple, so small can do something so large. i feel like i have been broken into a million pieces all over again. i finish up my last bit of german with a new friend through chat. hippity hop down the stairs to cook a meal that i have been craving for the last couple of weeks.

i begin pulling the veggies out of the fridge. over to the pantry for the pasta and the sauce. back to the counter to cut up the chicken and as i look the mail is here. cool, i grab it and begin looking through it and there it is. a note from disney, not for me but i dont care, i rip them in two. i am pissed.

i kicked her out after what she did, thought about so many horrible things to do to her. this person that said she was my friend all the while seducing my husband while i was gone. giving him kisses in the doorways when i wasnt looking and lying to me at each breath that escaped her lips. and yet she still lingers here in the mail that didnt get forwarded and the nonreturnable presents that sit in doorways and jewelry boxes.

i tried to rid her from this house and still she is here. still her name pops up and i hear her fucking voice. it was one thing to have a cheating husband, we had a deal when it came to sex, we could go outside the doors of our home, this safety and have a little freakishness. that was fine, not originally what i wanted but i gave in because i loved him, i gave in because i didnt think it would affect me.

we had rules, when it came to the house, that was our safety. no one but each other. no one but our love and our caring for each other. but then the lies destroyed all of that. i trusted him to be faithful and miss me. i sacrificed sleeping next to him each night because the money was what he wanted. but then every friday when i got home, not even a true hello. not even a meet at the door with a hug and a kiss. not even a help me with the luggage and snuggle into bed with me.

i knew last year that he was distant. i knew how much i missed him each sunday i left to go back to la and what would probably happen each friday when i got home. i tried to talk to him but nothing. i tried to tell him what i needed, but nothing. i knew down deep that something was going on, but i didnt want to believe that. you dont make a commitment to someone and then drop it without telling the other person. you dont take someone else in your heart without releasing the one that you are bound to.

my trust for anyone and everyone should be shattered but then i would never love again, i would never care again, and i would turn into a lifeless droughted rose. full of thorns and wilted stinky petals. no interest to anyone or anything. my emotions are not like stereotype placed on the masses. i care independently, i trust independently and i love independently.

i look at the two torn pieces of paper in my hand, i could throw them away without anyone knowing. i could but i dont, i place them on his desk and then send him a text, actually two. texts that are not returned, probably because he knows he is wrong. i tell him i am pissed. i tell him that he is an asshole for allowing this to happen and make me feel like shit all over again. normally he replies and attacks, but no reply means what.... what? nothing, it means nothing. he means nothing. i wasted tears and pain and heartbreak on scum. on someone that wasnt worth my tears. i wasted years of my life on someone that was never going to give me what i wanted but always expected me to give him what he wanted. how is that a relationship..... how, well it isnt, its slavery and i paid him to be his slave.

i try to pull myself together but the tears come all over again. first lightly like fog and then downpours. i almost fall to the ground but the counter catches my arms. i also break into all of it and think about lighting his room ablaze or throwing his computer in the trash. what i realize is that i cant have him here anymore. i cant have him near me if i am going to heal. if i am going to love again, i have to not let these emotions happen again. i need to get away from him, from her, from this house.

i finish dinner and put mine in the fridge. too frustrated to eat, too sick to smell the wonder of the food that i created. i will eat it tomorrow when my stomach stops churning and my taste buds regain the ability to produce flavor and when i want to think. tonight i just wanted to escape, he isnt even here and i wanted to escape. bastard, to allow this to happen to me all over again. i was doing so well, but then it hurts all over again, this time not in my heart but in my head.

i remove myself from the room, from the hurt and return upstairs. this time with no spring in my step. i sit at my computer and continue some polite banter with few, some frustrations with others. i sit here and decide to look at a couple of pictures. my eyes resting on his blue eyes and his bright smile. i take a deep breath and look again, the dimple, the hat, the simple man with so many layers.

he doesnt understand yet how weak i really am and how i run because i dont want to get hurt. how i am not sure what i want right now and how fun is really all i can take. i want to see him often. i wanted to see all of them often and when they were too busy i moved to another one. i need what i need and i miss just being with someone. i miss the cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. i miss having their scent near me. looking into their eyes and having them look back at me. i just want simple, i want truth and i want trust, but like him i am not sure if i am willing to give that quiet yet. it is not an ocean, it is a raindrop right now. not sure where to go and what to do. my feet wanting to run away.

i send an email to my aunt and my mom, perhaps a couple of weeks to get away from him. pack up my fabric and my machine, my cats and my camera, my laptop and my sanity and run away. i have places to stay all over the state. i could travel the twelve hours to visit mom, the six to get to my aunt and the four to visit grandma. i need to hear what these brilliant woman think that i should do. i feel lost, i feel tired, i feel miserable, i feel like a loser and worse broken into a million pieces.

the loss of someone great

when i was twenty-one, my father was taken from my life. it was a time that was really bad and hard to explain to someone that hasnt gone through it. now that a friend, a very close friend that i care deeply for has had the same thing happen in his life, i have decided to write this.

losing a parent in hard. hard at any age. even when you are withdrawn from each other. but the simple matter of the fact is that they are your parent. you are all of them and they are half of you. that is the way that it works. two souls unite to create another and as much as you may hate them through certain stages of your life, you are connected eternally. you will see them in heaven if that is what you believe or they will ever be a cycle of any new life should it be reincarnation.

i remember watching 'greys anatomy' and when the character george loses his father he is outside, basically beside himself. the charater christina comes, stands ont he wall next to him and tell him 'welcome to the club, the dead dads club.' that is the way that it is. losing a father is different from losing a mother. we come from our mothers, we suckle from their breasts and are craddle in their arms. we fall and scrap our knees, they rush to our side ready with bacteen and bandages. fathers are a little withdrawn. we dont bond with them like we do our mothers. but regardless they are our dads.

when i was little, i was daddys little girl. no doub about it. i look through my baby book even to this day and there are lots of moments with my father. great moments, some that i remember and others that i dont. but then when i was eight years old, my father couldnt handle us anymore. he didnt want children and a wife, he didnt want his family. he divorced my mother and moved to sacramento. so far away for a child of eight, both physically and emotionally. i didnt understand it. this man that had said hello to me every night that he came home was no longer going to tuck me in at night. no longer going to kiss me on my forehead and say goodnight. it was heartbreaking to say the least.

when i finally was forced to see my father again. and it was just awkward. forced visits with kids that were withdrawal from their father.

stop thinking like a such girl

how come we, as women, over think everything. it could be the simplest of situations and yet, we are constantly striving to place more emotions, thoughts and, in the long run, drama into the situation. there are a few of us that think that we have avoided this dilemma, but really we just do it a little less than our friends. somehow thinking that WE dont do it. but when the time comes to make the situation complicated, then we are right in the middle stacking thoughts on thoughts and emotions on emotions. all this does is further cloud the situation and make us frustrated, sick to our stomachs and further removed from the true/real situation.

i placed this blog in the category of 'romance and relationships' just because that is the situation that i am over complicating at this moment. since my ex and i split, i have been back out there. had a couple of disasters, some mild failures, some short moments, some stalkers or freaks and some boys that i wanted to keep.

i am bad, i admit. i go through men like kleenex. it was my mothers mentality. according to her men were adorable and useless. she spouts the same quote to this day but i think a little more like my grandmother in the situation of relationships. however i understand that there are a lot of toads out there and i have no issues kissing lots to find my prince.

its not like i am a slut. i know what i am doing. i know that in the past, i have had a man fall for me and ruin the fun that we were having. mike was one. kevin was another and poor erin, well that boy needs therapy.

the relationship that mike and i had was supposed to be simple. he had previously been engaged and i was supposed to be the rebound. we discussed it, neither of us wanting to get serious because he was still very hurt from the situation. i really liked mike, we had fun together. his roommates loved me, i would come over and cook for all of them. we would go to bars and end up making-out in the corner. we would go dancing and to the movies. i enjoyed having him on my arm and it was simple like that. i took him to meet my parents, which few get to do, but i wasnt worried. i just took him to say 'hey, this is the guy in my life right now and please be happy for me'. my parents loved him. then one night the whole thing fell to shit. absolute shit. it was those words, those three little words that i wasnt ready to hear. he said it and it fucked up our fun. that was it, i was off like a prom dress and out of his life without much thought on my end. finding out months later, that he had fallen for me so severely that his roommates had to take drastic measures. once i found out i felt bad but then what could i do. i was young and worse dumb. mike would have been great, but i just wasnt ready.

looking back, mike was one of the best relationships that i have had. and it is not that i am pining, not anywhere near that. i am just trying to return to the dating mentality that i had with mike. i am trying to find a guy that will be truthful with me, tell me what he wants, what he doesnt and in the short run this makes the whole dating/relationship situation easy. there isnt the thought and emotions that cloud the situation. problem is out of the six guys that i have recently dated, only two have really been honest guys. one of which even i can be honest with, which is mean, but then we dont travel the same track.

the new one is adorable. he just is. his smile makes me smile. his eyes could pierce my soul if i let my walls down. his arms surround me. he is witty and intelligent. he is family oriented, sweet, compassionate and genuine, with the last being the best quality. and that is just from our talks. that is what we did a lot of. i didnt think at first he would be this way. i judged the cover and with the cover being like a players manual to a game all boys play. but his face value, well its different.

as a fashion designer, i judge the cover. i am judged all the time by my cover. it is what society teaches us. the cover is all that matters. dont look at the insides. fuck bret michaels is a prime example and YES i am stuck on all of the rock of loves. the first episode of each is big john looking through the group and removing the fuglies, the fatties and any other undesirables. poor bret, poor poor bret. but i wouldnt have a job in making my covers pretty nor would any of the models if that wasnt what society was all about. but then it all started with louis XIV and those prissy pissy french, but that is for another blog.

when i first meet a guy, i look at the cover. i can tell you within five minutes, if the boy that i am looking at is attractive enough to fuck. i am not talking making love, that comes later and if you dont agree then that is for a totally different blog, totally different. i think all people know and perhaps with this subject my terminology is a little harsh. maybe some of you would prefer the word kiss.

well regardless of the word that you use, you know when you wanna kiss someone. when i find someone that i want to kiss well i get hot, i get flushed, pupils dilate, heart beat increases, skin get dewy. all signs of attraction, all normal signs of attraction, pure instinctual caveman like attraction. yes we are what we are from, regardless we are instinctual creatures. those silly little pheromones that attract us to someone. the eye color or the sweat or whatever attracts you. each of us follow a little bit of both.

well with this one, i am over thinking. i admit it. totally over thinking. i am still fucked up and i am sure that he knows it even though we havent discussed that disaster, the disaster of my last relationship. i am not ready for it. i am sick of airing my dirty laundry and getting those puppy dog eyes from guys. fuck that, its over and proudly i havent shed a tear in weeks. but back to the boy.

i call them all boys until they can prove me wrong. i am just a bitch that way and i wear my crown proudly. why not, i am sure that most new girls get lumped into some boys category too. until we can both prove ourselves to the other. they are all boys because until they can prove themselves, they stay there. boys can turn into men, guys, pigs or dogs... or worse stay boys. i call them pups when they are younger than i. but the boys well that takes a while.

the funny thing is that i havent called this one a pup when i am talking about him. he doesnt seem like a pup even though he is much younger than i. he actually seems like an old soul. much like my brother is and like my great grandmother was. he seems like an old soul and so i am not worried what category he will fall into once i stop thinking so much....

it is still in the back of my mind though. will this boy be the player or be the man? and yet back to the problem with my situation of over-thinking the situation. i dont want to be THAT girl. the freak girl. we know them, shes kind of like a bag lady. her past laid out and organized like the cans in her shopping cart. regardless of what you might think, all of us have been a bag lady. babbling to ourselves about our problems with our cans....

i am trying not to over think the situation. i found myself doing it today. thinking like a girl instead of thinking like me. i just want the truth. tell me what you want from me and then let me look at it, decide if i can handle it and follow it or not and end it. pretty simple in my mind as i realize that as i type this i am shrugging my shoulders.

i like him. i am willing to admit that. it is the combination of his eyes and his genuine quality. a quality i havent seen from a man in a long time. i feel nothing but truth with him, but then in the back of my mind my mother. this time not the kleenex comment, but the play or be played comment. i think my mom was worse. i remember all the dates, more the cars then the actual men. i remember the need for love after my father left us. she found someone better after her first and i guess that is the light that i have. if just i can stop thinking like such a girl.

it is all so refreshing

i sat in bed last night with my brain so full of thoughts that i thought it was going to burst... i thought i was never going to get to sleep... i thought i was going to be up all night... and the reason was not because i was unhappy or sad but quite the opposite. things have beginning to look up in my life.

no more than a couple of months ago, i slept all day. i couldnt move more than grabbing the remote and turning on the days blather of crap to entertain me and spread noise into this overly empty house. the cats didnt move much either. they lay by my side as if i was in a coma or on my last days of my life. i didnt shower, yeah i know GROSS. i didnt do much of anything. i thought my life was over. the emotions that flooded my head on a daily basis were harsh, very harsh. but those that have gone through what i have gone through will understand and those that have been on the giving end doent deserve the people that they put it through.

that is what i have come to a realization about. i am happy being me. i am happy with my flaws and my attributes. i am happy with the fact that my life is what it is and no one elses. yeah there are things that i could change. yes there are things that could be better. each of us could change, but we wouldnt be us, we wouldnt be true and we wouldnt be happy and so i accept myself. i accept me and i have realized that i love me.

in the last couple of days i have caught myself watching the movie penelope with christina ricci. it is a very interesting movie. it is about accepting yourself on your own terms. it is about looking past the exterior and finding what makes you you, what makes you different and what makes you special.

none of this really happens when we are young. we grow as children, being taught by our parents their rules and societies rules. what to follow, what to do and what not to do. each step perplexed by the process of life and its day to day nuances.

when we hit our teens our bodies begin to change on us, this normally freaks all of us out. girls grow boobs and hips, boys voices change. all of it some how more ackward then the years before, because we arent learning we are just changing. then another set of rules about these new bodies that we have... boys being told to divide and conquer... girls being told to protect ever inch of our forts. each of us deciding when to let the enemy in and at which step to retreat in the battle of first love.

then onto college and back to learning. some of us with a direction in our heads and some of us wanting to live life, smelling each rose. some of us still working on that first love phase or even worse stuck in the previous stage because we still dont feel like ourselves. regardless we are always working in three stages - who we are, who we want and what we want. there are no definite stages of growth like the baby stages, no direction past age eleven to thirteen. at any one moment something that began so great could leave us in the dust dead or worse... on the ground with wounds that will heal but still leave scars.

i had one stage that left me with a huge scar. when i was nineteen i had a good boyfriend, well i thought he was a good boyfriend. what i realized now if that he was a manipulator, he was a mean boy and he was a lair. during this time we had sex, at first approved and then not and at that point i got pregnant. not a pregnancy that i wanted and yet something that has effected me on mothers day even now. i will not tell you what i did, for it is none of your business but the whole thing put me off to men. pushed me off onto a bunch of years where even in a relationship there was not trust for the man on my arm. i did what i wanted and i let each of them go without too much thought. some loved me and some were just for fun... either way each of them were a learning experience.

when i thought i was ready for love i went out gun ho for it. i fell for someone that was not perfect, no where near perfect and not really what i wanted. that is probably why so many years later i blame him for so much. i was so stuck in the ideal of marriage and family, going that next step, etc that i put blinders on myself. i chose someone that hurt me time and time again without even really realizing what it was doing to me. or what in the long run that it did to us.

yes the last couple of months have been hard, but i couldnt be where i am today without them. i couldnt be where i am today without my entire life and all of its ups and downs. all of its great and shitty moments. even with each one being what it is, i regret none of them. i have lived and i have learned. i am stronger from some and much much weaker from others.

the other night i had a party. a little get together that was planned. a little cooking, a little drinking and a lot of laughing. i brought people together that had never met each other and yet the laughter went into the late evening. it was a simple dinner, a simple concept and yet some of the most fun i have had in a long time. even my friend laughed when he told me that he couldnt keep his eyes off me. that i looked more like the person he knew me to be so many years ago and i agreed.

i was happy, it was so simple, i was happy. the road wasnt as long as i thought it was going to be to get back to this place. it didnt take years - it took being unemployed and having enough time to think things out... the hours were long and if i had something else to take up my time, well it probably would have taken years... yeah it definitely would have taken years. but now i am happy.

there have been people over the last couple of months. new friends and old. new love interests and old. each one of them getting a little fresher version of me and i say fresher because i have been stale for so long, like second day old bread. just doing the day to day because i had to not because i wanted to. being told that i needed to do better by making more money, but not really seeing any benefit from any of it. money was never a priority, my priority.

i have looked at each of my friends and taking from them what i needed. i have looked at each of my lovers and taking from them what i needed. i am now happy. i am not determined to find my true life, my next love and develop life into what i want, not what i need. today is simple, i will go and make each thing for me. each moment is mine to fulfill and live to the fullest. each moment is for smiling and laughing. each moment is for life and love. each moment is for me and i will not let one moment pass.

today i will give myself a nice little oasis so that i dont get away from life but i sit in its sunshine. i will sit in its sunshine and drink of its new opportunities. this life is for me and even with its downfalls i will learn, but never regret. now all i have to do is make it though this week and perhaps i will get that kiss, you know who you are.